Was Zum Teufel?!
Tues May 20 – Holy smokes! What a week this was. While Obama and Billary continue to rip each other new ones on the campaign trail and most bleeding heart liberals were reeling from the news of Ted Kennedy’s malignant brain tumor, Oslo and Mies took a break from all the negativity in the news. Instead, they focused on the Lifestyle section of the newspaper, where Oslo pointed out an article he found on beer for dogs. Now, this is the same Dutch beer, Kwispelbier, that I posted about months ago. The one with the Weim on the label. Apparently, they’ve switched breeds:
Sold in a glass bottle with a contented German Shepherd pictured on the label, beef-flavoured Dog Beer is being pioneered at a Derby pet shop.
Why they would switch from a Weim to a German Shepherd (also referred to as GSDs), I have NO idea. Oslo won’t ever be able to drink any if there’s a GSD on the label. Ever since that GSD jumped over the dog run fence and attacked him, he growls and gets out his brass knuckles every time he sees one. Or even smells one, for that matter.
Yes, he smells them. When I asked what they smell like, he told me GSDs smell like a mixture of CAT PISS, SOUR MILK, and BURNT HAIR.
Wed May 21 – Speaking of beer, today when Mies pooped, he pooped a black & tan. You know, like the alcoholic beverage. What I mean by this is that half his poop was really, really dark brown and the other half was…well, tan.
But hey, at least I didn’t find some of my dental work in his poop, as told in this story by Nicole Damphouse of allexperts.com:
Sometimes, you may find lost treasures in your pet’s waste products. If your dog eats a foreign body that is small enough to pass, you should expect to see it in the stool one to three days later. Over the years, I have seen a gold crown, a diamond ring, and numerous children’s toys pass through successfully. The gold crown was sterilized by the owner’s dentist and replaced into his mouth.
Okay. First of all, how the hell did this dog get hold of a crown?? And second, while I can see sterilizing a GOLD crown and having it put back in your mouth after it’s been rescued from a pile of dog crap, I don’t think I’d bother with silver or porcelain. Hopefully, I will never have to make this decision.
Oslo and Mies, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY DENTAL WORK.
Thurs May 22 – In today’s news, Ted Kennedy, leaving the hospital after treatment for his brain tumor, was greeted by his two Portuguese Water dogs. Apparently, he takes them with him on the Hill, and has even written a children’s book: My Senator and Me: A Dog’s-Eye View Of Washington, DC.
Kewl. Mies wants to get it in hopes that there are tips on how to have civil conversations with dogs who have Republican owners. We know there are a lot more of those here than there are in Seattle. We think that attacking GSD might be a Republican, trained by Karl Rove.
Fri May 23 – Speaking of nasty Republicans, this afternoon began with a 5k run with the Weims down Massachusetts Avenue past the Naval Observatory, e.g., Dick Cheney’s house. Oslo took a big dump right as we approached the gates and as I was standing there avec mon sac de merde, waiting for the light to change while seriously contemplating handing my big bag of dog poop to one of the guards as a gift for the ABSOLUTE BEST VEEP in our nation’s history, I saw a deer running around the British Embassy, only a block or two ahead of us.
At this point, one guard motions for me to stay while he attempts to stop traffic in hopes that the deer will cross Mass Ave back into Rock Creek Park. Then another officer, almost immediately after, motions for me to go. Perhaps he didn’t notice the two large, grey hunting dogs at my side, who by that time had picked up the scent and sight of the deer and were chomping at the bit to catch her? Or maybe he thought I was walking my cats? Who the hell knows….
Anyway, I had to explain to him that no, I cannot proceed right now, sir. Do you not see my two pointers at the end of the leash? Yes, the dogs who were originally BRED TO HUNT LARGE GAME? And do you not know that deer meet the criteria of LARGE GAME??
He got the picture, we waited, the deer finally crossed the road without getting hit, and Oslo and Mies almost yanked my arm from its socket tracking her scent as we continued on our run.
I HATE URBAN DEER.
Sat May 24 – In today’s news, Will’s sister, Natalie, and her husband, George, drove down from Baltimore to have dinner with us. We cooked dinner here in our view-of-the-Cathedral apartment, then walked down the street for dessert at Café Deluxe (their coffee sucks but their crème brulée kicks ass). Anyway, as happened the last time George and Natalie were at our house (a few years ago in Seattle), we came home to the trash can knocked over and rubbish strewn all over the place. Thank you, Mies.
We told them that Mies was bred not only to hunt large game, but to open doors and search for bombs, drugs, and chocolate bar wrappers in trash cans.
Sun May 25 – Nothing happened today. Rien. PAS DU TOUT.
Mon May 26 – Yesterday was boring, and today wasn’t that much more exciting. We took the Weims to our favorite spot in Dumbarton Oaks, a big grassy field where they can pretend like they’re real hunting dogs. When we got home, Mies went to nytimes.com and saw that Sydney Pollack had died. He was bummed. Tootsie is one of his favorite movies.
He also read an article titled The Economics of Teeth, and Other Beauty Premiums. Asserting the premise you’ve all heard before, I’m sure. That beautiful, tall creatures with nice teeth earn more money. Mies thought about that for a moment, then asked Oslo what he thought. Oslo opined that if he and Mies were forced to get jobs at some point, they would FOR SURE make more money than pugs, Chihuahuas, or those really skinny, fugly hairless dogs. But probably not much more than Vizslas or Irish Setters.
‘Cuz really? When have you ever seen a pug on the cover of Dwell or in BMW ad??