Was Zum Teufel?!

Tues Apr 1 – While the world was busy gawking at disposed fetuses on airplanes and I was busy killing sassy Dachsunds, this week begins with Oslo and Mies’s last day with us. Will and I have decided that while yes, Weimaraners are wonderful dogs, they’re more needy than blood-sucking ticks (more on that later), they take up too much damn room on the red leather couch, and, au fin, having dogs in the city is just way too fricking hard. So, given the success I had with Craigslist when renting out the house in Seattle, I decided to place an ad for each dog there and on Facebook (see profile photos above).

Lo and behold, their lovely mugs were only online for a few hours when I got a call from a ranger at Yellowstone. Apparently, they’ve been having trouble with the bison population out there and are looking for some big hunting dogs to track large game. I told the guy they’d been getting lots of practice here in DC; he was psyched! So anyway, our two lovely Weimaraners are now federal employees under the Bush Administration, earning their keep in the shadows of the Grand Tetons and under the mist of Old Faithful. They will be missed. And now I’ll have to find something else to write about. Shoot.

Wed Apr 2 – Nothing happened today. And as for yesterday’s news? It’s a joke, people! APRIL FOOLS!!!

Thurs Apr 3 – Okay, back to the blood-sucking ticks. Oslo, Mies, and I got our first ticks, EVER. But I think I told you that already.

I also strangled my first little frou-frou dog. It was a cranky Dachsund who lunged around the corner at Petsmart – courtesy of his goddamn retractable leash –  and nearly bit my lovely grey ghosts. 

So, I strangled him. With his very own retractable leash.

For the record, I have also nearly had my leg severed at the ankle when one of these leashes got wrapped around my limb by an out-of-control dog whose owner didn’t reel the 12′ cable back in fast enough. Consequently, I HATE RETRACTABLE LEASHES. Owners who use them should be rolled up into balls with their yappy little dogs and then secured via the leash to a pole. Tetherball, anyone?

Fri Apr 4 –  Well, yesterday’s news of a crime of passion may have been bad, but at least I didn’t bite the poor little dog before sending it to the dog park in the sky. Which is exactly what this woman in Minneapolis did when her dog was attacked by a pit bull. Was zum teufel?!

While that pitbull was getting a taste of its own medicine, Oslo was hitting on little old ladies in a nursing home. That’s right, today was his first day working as a therapy dog! Here’s an email about it I sent to Stephanie’s Weim list:

Oslo was up to his first therapy dog visit today at a nursing home in Rockville, MD (which is about a 45 min drive from our apt in DC). He was soooooooooooo cute. When he’s really happy, his wiggles his whole little butt, not just his tail. He looks like a bumblebee doing its mating dance. Well, he was wiggling during most of the visit (about an hour), and boy, did he like the little old ladies! And they liked him right back. He even got to visit some of them in the salon while they were having their hair and nails done. He wanted his nails done, too. I had to remind him that he’d just had his pedicure yesterday at Petsmart.

I think his favorite little old lady was Zelda. He liked her so much that he even started gnawing a little bit on the edge of the wheel of her walker, just to see if it tasted as good as she smelled.

He also talked a lot while we were there, barking, trying to add to the conversation, hoping one of the nurses could translate. I’m sure some of the old folks will turn their hearing aids down next time they see him coming.

I’ll try to take pictures of him at work soon. Or have someone take pictures of us. He’s not allowed to leave my side while we’re working, so my taking photos isn’t really an option.

Mies got to go with Will to the office for the morning since we’re not 100% sure that he could stay home completely alone and not eat the red leather couch. Everybody remarked on what a beautiful dog he is as he enjoyed his peanut butter kong under Will’s desk.

Sat Apr 5 – Nothing happened today. Nada. Zilch.

Sun Apr 6 – While Tuesday’s news jokes about a trip to the dog pound, today’s news announces an actual one. Remember last week when I told you about Oslo, Mies, and the creation of a new anus? Well, dog bites have to be reported to animal control as a public health measure. So, all last week, I was getting messages from DC’s animal control which I ignored because I was afraid they were going to do bad things to me and the dogs. Like what, you might ask? Well, like giving me a ticket for not having their licenses yet. Or pulling all of Oslo and Mies’s teeth so they wouldn’t be able to bite ever again, sending me off with a huge bag to put under the couch pillows for the tooth fairy.

Anyway, turns out all my fears were unfounded. And luckily Mies’s were, too. The poor little guy was trembling and shaking when we first got there, sensing, for sure, that this wasn’t quite the vet but not really doggie Auschwitz, either; but somewhere in between. Once the staff saw the two beautiful specimens, however, they oohed and aaahed, did the quick health check to make sure they didn’t have rabies, gave us recommendations for places in Virginia where we could break more leash laws, and we were on our way. We made like a robber out of a bank through one of DC’s most dangerous neighborhoods back to our leafy green yuppie enclave in northwest Washington. Yep, as long as we have our beautiful, expensive purebred dogs and all our other stuff white people like, it’s all good.

Mon Apr 7 – Nothing happened today unless you count the Olympic torch going out in Paris. Oslo was all, they should’ve given it to me or one of those funny-looking African hound dogs to get it through the City of Lights, Mom! We’re way faster than any of those Olympians.

And I was like, Saluki, Mos. It’s called a Saluki.