Was Zum Teufel?!
Tues Mar 18 – During this week of collapsing banks, abusive Chinese, and a pissed off Dalai Lama, today begins with news of said D. Lama threatening to resign as the Tibetan leader if the fighting doesn’t stop. I showed this headline to Mies, threatening to resign myself if the opening-the-cupbards-and-strewing-stuff-all-over-the-goddamn-floor-because-you-left-me-for-more-than-ten-minutes behavior didn’t stop and he was all like, So what are you gonna do? Take me to the dog pound?
Then I look at Oslo, who’s looking at me like this 
And I realize that, outnumbered once again, I’m screwed.
Wed Mar 19 – In today’s news, Americans can’t stop talking about Obama’s speech on race. Which leads me to think about dogs and racism. Are they? Racist, I mean? We have discovered that while Oslo and Mies generally get along great with other dogs, Oslo has certain prejudices against the following breeds, dogs only (he loves all bitches!):
Yellow Labs
Boxers
German Shepherds
Sometimes extra-sassy pug-nosed dogs
For the most part, the extent of his racism is a growl here and a few raised hackles there, based on his previous experiences with dogs of these breeds basically challenging him with a "You want a piece of me?" stance. Luckily, dogs can’t talk and I don’t think there exists any "N" word equivalent for a Yellow Lab or German Shepherd, so no racial slurs have been reported.
Thurs Mar 20 – While yesterday’s news focused on racism, today’s news focused on vandalism. Once again, Mies clawed his way into the lower kitchen cupboards, looking for food. All he found this time, though, were cans of tomato paste, some Rubbermaid containers, and a box of Brita filters. Take that, Mies!
If our continued efforts at thwarting Mies’s criminal adventures don’t stop the little vandal, Will and I have discussed other options. Like maybe hiring an armed security guard to stand at the kitchen entry while we’re gone. Or perhaps installing one of those sliding, gated garage doors that urban storefronts use to keep hoodlums out.
Yes, Mies. THAT WOULD BE YOU. The Resident Hoodlum.
Fri Mar 21 – Nothing happened today.
Sat Mar 22 – In light of yesterday’s boredom, today finds an interesting story on CNN about dogs who blog. We had to check it out. There’s a blog by Max, the Golden Retriever and another by Wimsey, a Jack Russell terrier. Now, these blogs are actually "written" by the dogs as we see by an excerpt from Wimsey:
Aneething for cheeze?
Mi humin went off her rocker. Shee sed someone gave her this koat for mi. Doez that meen i hav to ware it?! Well … if therz cheeze involved, OK, just this once…
Now, I don’t know about you, but honestly, I found the writing on these blogs to be rather dull (not to mention the cliché faux spelling attempt by Wimsey’s human editor – "Mi humin?" Puh-leaze! And who the fuck cares if Max can’t find his stupid tennis ball after a hundred sniffs, spelled out like this: sniff…sniff…sniff…sniff…?). I like my format a lot better, not to mention the fact that not every dog has lived in such cool places as Seattle and the nation’s capital. Because face it, it’s much more interesting to anthropomorphize your dog, soliciting their opinions on recent world events and New Yorker articles, embellishing their antics with sprinklings of cusswords and crass slang. Especially crass slang in other languages, eh? Was zum teufel?!
I also know that if Oslo and Mies could write, no way would their spelling be that bad, in German or English. Weimaraners are way too smart.
Sun Mar 23 – While most of America was worshipping God, Jesus, and some stupid bunny on this lovely Easter morning, Will and I were preparing for a trip to Baltimore for Easter dinner with his family, even though neither one of us really believes in God. DOG, of course. But GOD?? Eh, not so much. Anyway, while we were letting the dogs run on Poplar Hill Road, we decided that Oslo may be autistic. While all the other dogs were socializing and running and playing, Oslo was hiding back on the fringes of the yard, obsessively chewing and then skinning his tennis ball. Oh, well. At least he wasn’t banging his head on anything while grunting.
Mon Mar 24 – Nothing happened today, either, unless you count Oslo bringing me this article about a Canadian study showing that docking dogs tails makes them mean:
The study, which appears in the European science journal Behavior, concludes if a puppy’s tail is cut off when it’s two or three days old, as often done by breeders of such dogs as Doberman Pinschers and Rottweilers for cosmetic reasons, that puppy’s experiences with other dogs could be affected for the rest of its life, making it more remote and aggressive, the report said.
While I’m not sure how valid this study is given that they used a robotic dog (which I’m sure had its own unique set of communication problems since it didn’t look like a real dog or smell like a real dog because it WASN’T A REAL DOG), I can see where you could come to this general conclusion. Basically, this sounds to me like docking a dog’s tail is the equivalent of cutting out a person’s tongue. Nice.
Anyway, what’s done is done; the AKC standard requires the Weimaraner tail docked to 6". Not as short as a Doberman’s, so maybe like still having half a tongue. Better, but still not good.
So in an effort to improve communication bewteen Oslo and Mies and other dogs, I think I’ll start by tying lengths of tulle or nylon to their tails. You know, like windsocks! When Oslo and Mies have something important to say to other dogs with their tails, like, "I come in peace. Chill, dude." or "I’m not kidding, one step closer and I’ll bite your fricking head off!" surely the other dogs will get the message right away.